Dan Gilliam: Old News

The problem with taking a full suitcase home for the holidays is that you don’t have any room in your luggage for the gifts and goodies people gave you. When you are packing up to go home, if you want to get your suitcase to close you have to leave something behind. This is not always a bad thing. Sometimes, until you get that new campus-friendly cardigan sweater you can’t see that the old beatnik-friendly turtleneck you’ve been dragging around for years has a hole in it or an essential oil stain on the sleeve. Sometimes, something old has to go to make room for the new.

This is true in the spiritual as well as the material realm. Many of us find ourselves at a crossroads where the tools that once worked to make life manageable and comfortable no longer function to our satisfaction. Our perception of reality and the ability to get along with others (and even tolerate ourselves) must be changed in order to move on to our next phase of development. Sometimes this can occur by changing the places we frequent and the people with whom we socialize. Or, it may simply mean a shift in the language with which we refer to our spiritual connection or the books we read for inspiration. In some extreme cases we have to throw out the baby with the baptismal water and find a completely new view of the ether world with all its energy, power, love and resources. Sometimes stale religious or spiritual practices have to be discarded in order to discover fresh forms for inner renewal.

If you are unhappy with the way life is unfolding for you but find yourself presently unwilling or incapable of taking any immediate action to change it you may choose the passive approach to making a decision. By doing nothing you can hope that your life will improve as it is, stay the same or at least not get any worse. But by consciously making the decision to impair your progress with inaction, your awareness of what is not working will grow keener as your tolerance for pain or ignorance decreases. If you are fortunate, some unexpected hardship will surface that may force you to drop the rock of dissatisfaction and your hands, mind and heart will suddenly become free to seek or embrace a new and more effective path. Many who have experienced spiritual awakenings were not necessarily looking for them when they occurred.

There is another way. You can make a proactive decision by choosing to stop certain ineffective rituals or behaviors or by adding vitalizing habits to your daily regimen. As all truth that we need for health, happiness and helpfulness already resides within us we can decide to access it by any number of spiritual exercises, many of which may be unfamiliar to us. Yoga, meditation, reading, prayer, exercise, healthy diet and participation in a spiritual community are but some of the practices that are bearing fruit for millions of thriving humans around the world. To get something different you have to intentionally do and be something different.

Not all people are temperamentally the same and as William James theorized in his book, The Varieties of Religious Experience, different personality types respond diversely to various forms of spiritual language, form and expression. We are not all cut out to experience the realm of the immaterial in the same way. As children, we were not given a choice but were indoctrinated into certain systems of belief by our families or religious institutions. As adolescents or adults, each of us has to find his or her best way of relating and responding to a life-giving source that is readily understood and easily accessible. Whatever works to bring about the qualities and values of personhood we desire is the best path for us and this will likely be uncovered through brave exploration and hard won experience.

Do not worry about the language you use when you seek the immaterial. Do not feel as if you must be able to define it or label it in order for the spiritual life to become real to you. Instead, let the eyes of your heart look inward and all around you to see the great mystery in the everyday wonder of life. Contemplate whatever good you discover in yourself, in others and in the natural world and goodness will meet you there to lead you to your truth. For now, anything that brings you a sense of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness and self-control is that which you seek and is already growing new life inside of you. Embrace these gifts with your spirit and let your mind fend for itself. Allow your fears to fall from you, especially those that grip your heart and lead you to hold on to temporal and material things, or even ineffective spiritual practices.

What needs to be removed from your spiritual suitcase in order for you to have room for something new, wonderful and life-changing?

Two people come to mind when thinking of those who historically chose poverty as a means of growing in their God-dependence, St. Francis of Assisi and Mother Theresa of Calcutta. I’m sure there were and are others, but probably not too many. Everyone I’ve met in my lifetime that lacked necessary financial means did not choose this lot in life for spiritual or other reasons. It was either handed to them by life circumstances or they drank or drugged their way down to it. As a result, many of these people experienced as a benefit of their involuntary poverty an enhanced spiritual life, though they did not initially seek it. I want to be clear here that I am not equating myself with any who are truly impoverished (voluntarily or otherwise) for I have spent extended time in Third World countries and have seen what poor looks like. I am not it. Not even close. I have, however, in the past couple of months had a taste of the feelings of uncertainty and powerless that accompanies not having the means to cover bills or buy basic items to which I am accustomed. Without going into any details of what I don’t have or can’t get I would rather make mention of the recent benefit that has come my way via the vehicle of involuntary poverty.


As many who know me can attest, over the last 20 years or so I have lived a rather simple existence, primarily by choice, in order to pursue and enjoy a life of creativity, contemplation and usefulness to others. I have seen the payback of having more time than money and would not trade a day (including today) of the life I’ve lived for one with more financial security, if there is such a thing. I know firsthand that money does not make one happy, not because I’ve ever had much and been unhappy, but because I’ve been happy without much of it. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think the choices I have made are better than those others would make, I just think I am temperamentally suited to live hand-to-mouth in order to do what I love with the time and talents I have been given. I will likely always live this way. This past fall is the first time since I can remember that I have come face-to-face with the reality that I could not provide for myself and make ends meet through my current means of doing so. I know I am far from being alone. It is one thing, however, to hear stories of the financial distress of others brought on by misfortune, unemployment and unforeseen expenses due to the current “economic climate”, but the matter takes on a whole new meaning when it suddenly becomes your story.


Three years ago, I went through a severe disruption to my life when my wife of 12 years informed me that she had decided she didn’t want to be married to me anymore. End of discussion. Along with the usual pain and grief that normally accompanies the loss of a spouse, I also experienced the unanticipated loss of my desire to write, sing and speak about spiritual matters and scrambled to find an alternate means of surviving. As I had an interest and a small collection, buying and selling Indian artifacts on Bay became my job and passion. Though I had a nagging hunger to get back to the lifestyle of ministry that had brought me much satisfaction for many years, I couldn’t find the motivation in my heart and didn’t know where to begin. I see now that I was going through a version of the dark night of the soul. So I threw myself all the more into the 12-Step work which has saved my life for over 21 years now and decided to be satisfied with this avenue of ministry until God saw fit to show me another way. This brings me to the summer of 2010.


After moving back to Cincinnati, Ohio for a number of reasons, one of which was to have easier access to buying artifacts, I started to notice the decline of my business (on both the buying and selling ends) but assumed the ship would right itself if I was persistent and worked harder. Apparently I was wrong. Last month, when the bottom fell out and I entered the desperate process of “letting go and letting God”, I began to ponder and pray about possible next steps for supporting myself. My experience and expertise with leading spiritual retreats began to bubble to the surface of my conscious and sub-conscious mind. I remembered how effective God had allowed me to be in these settings and that I had already developed a retreat model that incorporated teaching of vital spiritual principles (A Simple Plan for Spiritual Formation), creative dynamics to facilitate group participation, and mystical/meditative techniques that were both fun and effective in helping retreatants to expand their awareness of and connection to God. There had been a time when I dreamed of devoting myself to this venture and pursuing it with the trust and energy that had allowed me to achieve other altruistic dreams such as living as a traveling singer/songwriter, becoming a professional artist, being the minister of meditation and prayer at a mega-church and writing and publishing a book of spiritual memoirs. My new and (now) wonderful place of poverty was opening my mind and heart to consider that this might be God’s way of helping me to let go of one reality in order to embrace another. In my experience this is how God works many times. Until we are able to create space in our hands, hearts and lives, or it is created for us by life circumstances, we are unable to successfully grip that new and fulfilling venture that God has laid out for us.


So, this is where I am headed and involuntary poverty has made this possible. I am grateful for the uncomfortable process that has brought me to this place and am excited about the new journey on which I have already embarked. I trust God and am thankful for those who have already made the decision and taken the action to help me. I am also grateful for those who would like to help but who find themselves in situations where they are also struggling just to get by. The process has been humbling for me but I know the joy that comes from giving and I am viewing my openness to financial assistance (in part) as a potential means of bringing happiness to those who love me and are in the position to help me launch this next phase of life and ministry. Perhaps readers will be interested in attending one of these spiritual retreats which will be held at established retreat centers in the Cincinnati area or be interested in hosting a retreat with their spiritual group at a retreat center near them. I will be occasionally posting details of the format and times and places where they can be attended.

Thank you for your love and interest in my life.

Blessings on your spiritual journey,

Dan Gilliam

DAN GILLIAM: I Am Not Like God
http://cdbaby.com/cd/dangilliam
DAN GILLIAM: Simple God Songs
http://cdbaby.com/cd/dangilliam2
DAN GILLIAM: The Color of God
http://cdbaby.com/cd/dangilliam3
DAN GILLIAM: My Best So Far 1991-2001 http://cdbaby.com/cd/dangilliam4
DAN GILLIAM: Farm Cafe
http://cdbaby.com/cd/dangilliam5

" To live well myself is my first and essential contribution to the well-being of all mankind and to the fulfillment of man's collective destiny. If I do not live happily myself how can I help anyone else to be happy, or free, or wise? Yet to seek happiness is not to live happily. Perhaps it is more true to say that one finds happiness by not seeking it. The wisdom that teaches us deliberately to restrain our desire for happiness enables us to discover that we are already happy without realizing it."

- Thomas Merton, Conjectures of a Guilty Bystander, p. 81.

Like many others I know, I grew up with an inherited ethos and a doctrinal prerogative hell-bent on "helping" people by convincing them to believe the "right" truth. I even went to college and earned a degree in truth-speaking. I have dedicated many years of my life to teaching a better way of living, even before I discovered how to live happily myself. Now just 2 days into my 50th year on the planet I am aware that I believe without a shadow of a doubt that my best impact on people with whom I would wish to share positive influence is in how I live. My spiritual footprint is only as large as the path that I tread. Words are okay if they are used to describe the life I am actually living or to affirm the value and beauty of life around me, but they have little value if I only use them to talk about theories of living that exceed or contradict my own experience.

Like Thomas Merton wrote, it is evident to me that there is a paradox at work with regards to discovering real happiness in this life. Happiness is not something to seek and find, in itself, but rather a gift to embrace that has already been given. My part lies in simply becoming aware that goodness has already given me everything I need for life and goodness, and this comes most quickly through a daily practice of prayer and mediation and regular acts of service to others. Together, these spiritual principles allow me to "get happy" and learn to be content in any and all circumstances. This is the real work of the universe, the inside job stuff that truly allows us to change, grow, and be love to those around us. This real happiness, in no way linked to the purchase, acquisition, or possession of any material good, is what we are all wired to seek and what we are all spinning our wheels to find.

Today, may we all find a quiet moment and place in which to take a deep breath, settle into an awareness of the goodness and happiness that is our spiritual birthright, and hear the affirming inner voice of creation say, "Rest in me. I have you right where I want you."

Thank you for sharing the journey with me.

“When the door of the steambath is continually left open, the heat inside rapidly escapes through it; likewise the soul, in its desire to say many things, dissipates its remembrance of God through the open door of speech, even though everything it says may be good. Thereafter the intellect, though lacking appropriate ideas, pours out a welter of confused thoughts to anyone it meets, as it no longer has the Holy Spirit to keep its understanding free from fantasy. Ideas of value always shun verbosity, being foreign to confusion and fantasy. Timely silence, then, is precious, for it is nothing less than the mother of the wisest thoughts.”

Diadochus of Photiki, “On Spiritual Knowledge and Discrimination: One Hundred Texts”, in The Philokalia, vol. 1, compiled by St. Nikodemus of the Holy Mountain and St Makarios of Corinth, trans., eds., G.E.H. Palmer, Phillip Sherrard, Kallistos Ware (London and Boston: Faber & Faber, 1979), p. 276


While in Tennessee last week on a ministry-related venture I took the opportunity to visit St. Columba Episcopal Retreat near Memphis for a few days of quiet reflection. Having made retreat reservations sight unseen, I was pleased at first glance to see signs encouraging a strict silence in my quadrant of the property. My tiny hermitage, which backed up to the corner of the camp, was shaded by tall oaks, maples, and elms and flanked by a fish-jumping lake. Here I spent four days alone following deer trails through the woods, reading, writing, and seeking the silence in my own heart. Though occasionally this silence was broken by the distant whine of a car’s wheels or a truck’s motor, for the most part I was out of touch with the world and free to bask in the solitary domains of forest and fauna. At night, with little sense of time passing I was serenaded by the whir of crickets and choruses of frogs. In my walks, I saw snakes slither and salamanders dart toward points unknown. The sights, smells and noises of the good earth took me deeper into the hush in what may well have been the last silence of summer.

Silence is not easy to adjust to when you live your life continually connected to devices of communication and you’re carried along by daily meetings, activities, and appointments that just don’t stop. One reason I am developing the quarterly habit of taking silent retreats is to ingrain in my body, soul, and psyche the ability to STOP and let go to have some time to listen. Stopping anything requires a decision (or a wreck), but stepping out of our addiction to noise and activity requires a spiritual awakening. My first hours of retreat in the Tennessee calm were delightful and I was surprised at how relaxed I soon became. With nowhere to be and no one to see, I was able to be present with my thoughts and intuitive notions without interruption. But as the day wore on, I began to feel the familiar sense of approaching panic that accompanies separation from the modern way of living. Questions like, “What if this time passes too slowly?”, and “What if I can’t make it and have to leave?” almost made my chest cave in with anxiety. As with most uncomfortable feelings, there is no way through them but to go through them and let them pass. And they passed. And they returned and passed again and again. I decided to ask for spiritual help to be present with each moment and not wish even one minute away. I dedicated the retreat to being present with creation and my self in what might very well be the last silence of summer.

One of the benefits of extended silence is that my inner reservoir is filled and I am grounded with an appetite for quiet. After retreats like my recent one, I find myself choosing my words more carefully as if I only have so many to use. From some place beyond my own resources has come a new-found desire to use them sparingly and well. Unusual for me, words seem less likely to fly out of my mouth in search of a place to make sense or a person to bother or entertain. What is it I really want to say? What could I say that would make the moment better? is it possible that a space of silence could be more profound than any words I might muster or mutter? In a meeting, I sense that if I don’t speak, someone else will fill the void with words and they do. I ask spirit to give me the words I should say. Nothing comes to mind and I give thanks. I am aware that good is at work in this moment and that for a long time I may have overestimated my role in the maintenance of the universe. I reach back to the hours and days of my retreat and enjoy one more moment from what may very well have been the last silence of summer.

Thanks to CDBaby.com much of my music is available now for digital download from sites such as Apple i-Tunes, Napster, Music Match, Rhapsody and more. Also, Tower Records (www.towerrecords.com) is now carrying 4 of my cds. Kind of cool. I feel so digitally documented. Cyber respect of sorts.